Susan Swarbrick: High-society status symbols, planet Kardashian, gorilla raps and busted pipes

Out are the purse-sized pooches. Tatler says, “The heavier the dog, the higher its status – think whippets and greyhounds.”

As for your car? It must be a Tesla. “An electric vehicle parked outside a home, plugged into a home-built charging station is the ultimate modern status symbol,” sings the company’s bible.

If you have Japanese succulents (“the rarer the better”), Grayson Perry ceramics (“should be strategically displayed for all to see when guests pass by”), and a pantry with spices Ottolenghi (“Palestinian za’atar, Aleppo pepper flakes, dukkah and ground dried lime”), then you made it according to the Tatler reference.

Ditto for those who write with a fountain pen (“this silent status indicator says it all”), have a well-stocked wine cellar (“the modern cachet of luxury”), an artisanal pizza oven (“la pizza au feu de bois is the new pick ‘n’ mix”) and produce homemade sloe gin (“the time-poor won’t have bottles of sloe gin in their cupboards”).

But what about those of us who aren’t interested in the trappings of high society? Who are happily content with being, well, basic? Here is the alternate list of modern status symbols:

Ikea pencil

Much less faff than bottled ink. And you can slip it comfortably behind your ear. A stocky hero.

A large Sports Direct mug

Of course, it’s brutal and rude. You’ll never be able to drink from it as lifting it while full requires the strength of Geoff Capes at its peak, but make sure it’s boldly on display. Or at least within reach. One day it will come in handy when you need to bludgeon a burglar with it.

Leisure set

Don’t pretend you didn’t want this egalitarian anonymity.

North Face jackets for him and for her

A symphony of rustling Gore-Tex.

Prosecco Slogans

Adorning everything from tea towels to bathrobes. Being “on the Prosecco” is not just about showing off your favorite drink, but a statement of intent/battle cry. I didn’t choose the Prosecco life; Prosecco life chose me.

A Lidl bag for life

Packing your groceries in Lidl bags is a great trick so neighbors don’t know you shopped at Waitrose.

poop out

I’m not one to badmouth Kardashian as a general rule. Of course, their reality show is one long commercial for the various things they want to whip us, intercut with footage of the family driving around LA in flashy cars and eating giant salads, but fair play to them.

Well, that was my philosophy until Poosh came along. Not a typo for Posh (or even P*sh), but rather a new lifestyle blog from Kourtney Kardashian, the clan’s older sister and earth mother.

Do we really need another celebrity-led lifestyle blog, I hear you cry? Well, absolutely. Especially when we still have PTSD from Gwyneth Paltrow’s brainchild, Goop, with its slew of vagina-obsessed gadgets like jade eggs and steam-cleansing potions.

Unsurprisingly, like most things on planet Kardashian, Poosh is designed to sell us things we don’t really need. Such as tasteless coffee table books and $7,000 (£5,300) ceiling lights.

Poosh is mostly made up of images of Kourtney Kardashian posing in various stages of stripping as she imparts pearls of wisdom such as how to select “next level” hostess gifts when someone invites you into their home. Say, £370 ($485) Louis Vuitton playing cards and an amethyst dice set costing £149 ($195).

Or sharing the secrets to looking good naked (wait, didn’t Gok Wan do that YONKS ago?). Either way, all it takes is the best part of £800 body scrubs/lotions and a handful of £75 candles. Oh, and good posture. Who knew?

Gorillas and burst pipes

POOR old Elon Musk. When you’re a self-proclaimed maverick billionaire who launched a car into space, how do you do better? It must be exhausting constantly finding new ways to up the ante.

The Tesla and SpaceX CEO released a track to SoundCloud last week titled “RIP Harambe,” a heavily self-tuned song about the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla whose death in 2016 sparked a global outpouring of grief and anger ( followed by a global wave of bad taste memes).

A novelty rap about a dead gorilla is either genius or a desperate plea for help. I’m on the fence.

Musk is to take inspiration from Uri Geller’s book which, in a chapter titled Brexit: Go Big Or Go Home, claims to have used his psychic abilities – previously used to bend the spoon and move the ball as Scotsman Gary McAllister has caught a €96 fine – for bursting pipes in the House of Commons.

Last month, Geller revealed his intention to stop Brexit. The Tel Aviv-born illusionist told Prime Minister Theresa May he would ‘not allow’ her to take Britain out of the EU.

In an open letter, Geller said he felt “psychically and very strongly” that “most Britons don’t want Brexit” and vowed to telepathically stop the process.

He also wrote: “Three years before you became Prime Minister, I predicted your victory when I showed you Winston Churchill’s spoon on my Cadillac, which I asked you to touch.” Seems legit …

On Thursday, MPs were forced to adjourn after water began pouring through the ceiling. Still, they can’t say they weren’t warned. Explaining his actions, Geller said, “I can’t fire them, but I can dunk them.”

Which makes about as much sense as a ditty about a dead gorilla. Or is it genius. I’m on the fence.